i stood atop the hill. i reached the goal that i once set for myself. i was convinced that once i achieved what i wanted in life, then i would be fulfilled. yet, i still felt like an empty shell.

i had spent my whole life convincing myself that i needed to keep improving myself; that all the improvements i gained along the way would fill the void within me. i was wrong. if doing what i enjoyed doing, if the constant self improvements weren’t enough, then what is?

to this day, i don’t have an answer. paradoxically, there is an inherent drive within me to keep doing what i do. it is as if i were programmed at birth to execute goals that are out of the bounds of my awareness. there is no meaning to it. i can neither comprehend nor perceive it. yet there is a constant voice in my mind telling me that i must not stop. i cannot even picture what it will be like to stop. it is a fatal error in my programming if i do.

the human part of me yearns for meaning. this yearning hurts so much that at times i wish my humanity weren’t there. a machine executes instructions with no question asked and no emotions involved. i am but a machine that do the same with questions that i can never answer and desires never fulfilled. if they were never there in the first place, then at least i could be a dependable machine.

there is no meaning to anything. it is a blessing to not yearn for one or to be able to find it. i am evidently not one of the blessed, and thus i will have to live with the pain of the eternal yearning.