Disclaimer: this is subjective, and may not apply to everyone

One mindset shift I have been practicing is avoiding using “why” when asking questions, and instead ask “what”. For example, in the context of software engineering, instead of asking, “why are you using framework x instead of y, ask “what led you to decide on using framework x?”. This shift has caused me to question less and wonder more.

Firstly, it drives me away from putting blames. Asking “why” brings an undertone of questioning, whether intentional or not. The questionee, including myself, as a result of feeling questioned, may shift into defensive mode and subconsciously look for excuses first, rather than exploring something more productive. It may also make them feel invalidated or judge. As an example, consider the difference, as a listener, between “why are you sad?” and “what made you sad?” The former, subtly or otherwise, invalidates your feeling of sadness, while the latter demonstrates a level of rapport and understanding.

Secondly, asking “why” puts the subject under the spotlight, whereas asking “what” shifts the focus to the outside world, allowing both sides to view the situation at hand more objectively and holistically. Consider the two questions, “why did you do this?” and “what caused you to do this?” The first question focuses on the subjective intention of the person. Instead, the second question is looking for the external factors that effected their action. This is important if the situation at hand calls for an objective review, for example when dissecting architectural decisions in the context of engineering.

Here are more examples.

• “Why is the bus delayed again?” turns into “what caused the delay of the bus?”
• “Why can’t we ship this feature by this Friday?” turns into “what are the blockers and challenges that prohibit us from shipping this feature by this Friday?”
• “Why am I feeling anxious” turns into “what is the source of my anxiety?”
• “Why do you like playing the piano?” turns into “what about piano makes you interested in it?”

This is a challenging practice that requires conscious effort. Every time I find myself using the word “why”, I stop and think, “how can I rephrase this question so that I am not asking why?” As a result, however, I find that it not only fosters further discussions, but it also makes me less judgemental as a person.

If you do decide to give this a go, I would love to hear what you think about this, and how it shifts your mindset and perspective. Until then, thank you for reading, and see you in my next post.